1: but then nor does meditation, yet I do that almost every day - because? because there's no other game in town worth playing. [Socrates' unexamined life and all]
2. how dependent I am on approval that's basic, surely, an evolved strategy built in (a social "must", or best? How many other strategies are there: compel, ask, sneak. Asking is the approval, cooperation, Sesame Street mode.
3.For me "science" was the task of understanding the mind.
4. And as mentioned, at this time I had no great talent, though as a youth when I started filling up little notebooks and there were a few sketches and portraits that showed the begin of promise.(5)
5. David Cooper, an associate of R.D. Laing - ah this is an interesting aside. Whenever Ted found a therapist he estemed, he would invite me to have sessions with them. And David Cooper thought my little notebooks were extraordinary. "You should publish them," he said. Yeah, sure easy peasy.
6. In my later teens I read W.B. Yeats' poem Leda. The lines, "There burning tower, the falling walls, and Agamenon dead " rocked me. I had a vision, or more of a sense, of my father, Ted, as a swan, overwhelming, ravishing me (remember I was in therapy being raised as a Freudian). Some while later I assayed a painting (on an old real estate for sale sign - [they are much larger in the UK, where I was growing up then they are in North American] the swan was a boat - the boat was a swan. But I had also roughed out the composition (without the boat) on a piece of plywood, 14 by 14 inches - then many years later, in 1969 [so I'm 26], one night, on amphetamine (and toke) I painted Leda. One night.
7, of which only Leda remains with me, and a photo of the self-portrait from 1971 - at the beginning and end of this chapter.
8. 1992 through 1994
10: More about that later, but
11. at the Toronto School of Art
12: short poses.
13: the card game
14: It's 2014, so that would be 2004
15: a bit like that "microfilm" in her thigh
16: I'll tell that story later, perhaps
17: and that's another aside: here in footnote, or later? later.
18: one even told me that it, "Lies " , was the book that started them reading! [In my case it was Arthur Clarkes' "Childhood's End" that started me reading at 14. The analyst gave it to me, bless her]
19: 416 928 9272
20: A short
primer in crystals: remember the old crystal sets in the early days of radio catching
the airwaves? It was the Curie brothers (Marie Curie's husband and brother-in-law)
who discovered that if you load a crystal, mechanically distort it, it gives an
electrical response. They called this phenomenon "piezoelectricity".
(The theory, as the Physicist explained it to me, is as follows: if you could
bend the electron shells around an atom that distortion would create imbalances
of the electrical fields, and these imbalances would manifest as electrical charge.
But we can't bend an electron shell. It's too small. When we bend a crystal we
do actually bend the whole crystal matrix of precisely positioned atoms, and indeed
we distort their electron shells. Electricity is generated, and this is piezoelectricity.)
21: that's tiny, tiny, tiny.
22: piezoelectric: when it moves it generates electricity
24: how does the dowser sense water? How do schools of fish turn on a dime?
25: central nervous system
26: who I knew Barry from P.I.G.s. [The Pain Interest Group., which I had been attending for many years with Bruce Pomeranz]
27: Sakada: Physiology of Mechanical Senses of the Oral Structure: Frontiers of Oral Physiology, vol 4, pp 1-32, 1983.
28: A metal probe was fixed to a Rochelle crystal (KNaC4H4O6.4H2O). Current passed through the crystal caused discrete movements of the crystal and thus precisely controlled mechanical stimuli could be delivered to tissues.
Orders of magnitude: imagine we you're sitting there with headphones on, and you
have a microphone with which you're trying to pick up something very very soft.
So you turn up the gain as high as possible to get maximum sensitivity, and them
somebody yells in your ear. With a large signal we may lose the information, and
just do damage.
back in the late 1980's